A “Side-Life” Lived
I was a top student.
Always on the Dean’s list, always over-achieving, always over-delivering, seeking approval from e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.
Devasted when I faced rejection of any kind.
Always trying to stand out from the crowd, prove I was an asset, prove I was needed.
Then I’d go home at night, grab a pen and paper and draw these sorts of images. Over and over. Obsessively. A completely different person than I was during the day at school. Silently screaming.
I was “perfecting” these drawings to the point I thought it was worthy of going on a t-shirt [that I’d never wear in public because… What the F*&$ is wrong with HER…]
It was a time that these feelings and the reasoning for it was so foreign and nobody talked about it. The darkness, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the struggling to breathe. The pressure.
These were things “other people” had - not me. This was just a one-off and it’d quit.
Eventually insomnia took over. Exhaustion. Manic Episodes. Having conversations with my dead uncle and dead best friend.
Days went by and I wouldn’t leave my room, yet I convinced myself I’d gone to work.
I landed in myself in that psych ward. Yep. The real deal. I was pissed at everyone - because clearly it wasn’t my fault — yet I knew why I was there.
The reality check was huge over those few days and so was the realization of the love + support around me, and having no reason to have to go through anything alone ever again. No reason to hide in the dark asking myself ‘WTF?’ on the daily, and no reason to be ashamed of doodling thoughts onto paper.
And while these “drawings” are from the past, I can’t seem to bring myself to get rid of the proof that this time existed.
The notebooks and drawings have since been thrown out and these are the last pieces of a “side-life” lived.
Two decades later, I appreciate the art in storytelling to help others to just “ride it out” when the days seem less than perfect. If sketching helps to express what’s inside, do it.
Today the outlets to share stories of your experiences are limitless. Take advantage of it and ensure another person doesn’t feel alone out in a world that’s been a bit heavy.