KEEP MOVING

(TW- Suicidal attempt) I hate how often I have to tell myself to keep going in a day. I have to tell myself that it is all going to be okay if I do this or that. Finally, at two or three in the morning, I allow myself to lay my head down and rest. Before I go to sleep at night, I make myself a promise that tomorrow will be easier. I lie. When I started going to college, I thought that my life would get easier. I would be out on my own. I would be away from my abusive family. I would be free. I would have better mental health. Of course, the reality is that my abusive family still got to me, now I had adult responsibilities, five times as much homework than what I had in high school, a full-time job, a declining credit score, worse mental health, and medication to prevent depressive episodes or anxiety attacks. I recently got out of the mental hospital because of a mild depressive episode, which is basically a suicide attempt where you do not fight everyone in your path to die. Now I am thinking of taking a gap year just so that I can get better mentally and physically. I may take some online classes but that is all.

I decided to write this so that people would understand, that getting help is nothing to be ashamed of. Telling people that you are having suicidal thoughts is nothing to be ashamed of. Being depressed or anxious is nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Things that you cannot control should not make you feel like you can’t keep moving. You can’t control it. That’s all there is to it. I am glad that I did not die that day. Some days it is hard; I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t have the will to look at myself in the mirror, I don’t have the strength to go to class or brush my hair or even look at my phone. Despite all of this I keep moving. Whether it takes lying to myself to get through this semester, or not. I am going to keep moving until I get to a place where I am happy. You should too. As Dory said, “Just Keep Swimming.”