Finding the Light in the Darkness
My battle with mental health began about 7 years ago.
I can’t remember exactly how it felt, but I just remember the world becoming progressively less “colorful.”
The things that once brought me joy and fulfillment didn’t excite me anymore, and I became detached from any feelings of happiness. No matter how hard I tried to make myself feel happy, nothing worked. I denied that there was anything wrong with me for a really long time, because when I tried to ask for help I was dismissed and invalidated, primarily by my family.
Mental health is treated as something taboo in the Latino community, which makes the lives of latinos who struggle with mental health illnesses a lot harder.
I was unable to seek proper mental health treatment for years because of the toxic household environment I was in. So I turned to other ways to cope with my sadness and numbness, which resulted in becoming addicted to self harm.
For years I lived in a very dark headspace. I would put on a smile for the public to see, in hopes that I could convince them that I was okay, and it worked.
No one saw the signs, and no one was willing to reach out and help. I felt completely alone in those years of my life; unsure of what was wrong with me and no where to go for help.
My addiction to self harm grew, and as time progressed, I developed a lot of suicidal thoughts and ideation which unfortunately led to actual attempts to take my own life. Even then, my family denied that there was something wrong with me, and even used religion as a way to invalidate my deteriorating mental health.
At this point I had completely given up all hope that things would get better. I accepted the fact that this would be my reality until I finally mustered up the courage to go through with taking my own life.
I didn’t know this at the time, but things would finally start to look up for me during my freshman year of college. I made a small group of close friends who not only noticed the signs, but they cared for me enough to offer their support, and never invalidated the way I felt.
They gave me the courage to seek professional help through my campuses mental health resources, and I was finally given the answers I was looking for.
After 7 years of struggling, I was finally diagnosed with severe clinical depression, and I was given the tools I needed to properly cope with my mental illness. After being invalidated, ignored, and alone for so long, all of this felt like a breath of fresh air.
It felt like finding the light at the end of a long dark tunnel. I know I still have a long journey ahead of me, but at least I know I wont have to do it alone anymore and I am so grateful for that.
I am learning to love life again…
which is something I never thought I would admit. Because of my experiences, I have become an advocate for mental health, and I have learned how to support others with similar experiences. I hope to be a light in the darkness for someone else one day. I hope my story will help someone find hope for the future or inspire someone to open up about their experience as well. I hope my story will give someone the courage to seek help if they are struggling.
Your life matters.
If you are struggling with your mental health, I hope you find the light in the darkness one day.