EVERYTHING I WANTED?

Dear Diary,

I thought this is what I needed, to be independent and on my own. I thought that was the definition of thriving that I needed, but I didn’t realize how much of an impact the pandemic would take on me. I thought spending all my time in my dorm would be great, all the alone time I could’ve wanted. But instead, I lay in bed staring at the same ceiling for seven hours on end, doing nothing but scrolling through my phone, wanting something to jolt me back to life. I feel isolated. Alone in a wicked way, I thought I would’ve been used to it by now. But something about being 18 and alone sits differently with me. I feel sh*tty as the work I should be doing isn’t getting done, overflowing on my desk. At the same time, an unsettling knot sticks to my throat, fueled by the fear that I won’t do my absolute best. I have to be the same over-achiever I was in high school. That motivation keeps me alive. Six minutes ’til 9 pm as I glance over at the textbook with chapters I haven’t read for my first exam on Monday. I feel like everyone from my hometown is doing better than I ever could, thriving without me in mind. I miss them, but I feel like I’m never on their mind, no one reaches out. But it’s okay. I’ll drown out my muddled anxieties with music for now.